I know it seems I've kind of backed off from social media and my own website. Due to several situations, I plunged into a terrible downward spiral of my confidence. I will explain:
It all started almost two years ago. When I was consistently criticized for using crowd funding to release Fire in the Rainstorm. I did it anyway, and was successful. I did not have to go completely into debt to release the album. So many of you opened your heart to help, and I cannot thank you enough. The seeds of doubt were sown. Then, something so ridiculously devastating to my ego, happened. I was crushed, and melted. I felt so alone, and looked over. I even felt that what happened to me was my own fault. That somehow I offended my music friends, and that I deserved what was happening to me. I felt worthless, afraid, jealous and angry. I thought that some of the mistakes I made were coming back as Karma to slap me around and it was all my fault, because I treated a few people poorly.
worthless, AFRAID, jealous, Angry
Was this Karma?
I am a creative croissant type as my husband would say, I am very sensitive to things, and when this happened, I was devastated beyond my comprehension. At first, I was really angry - I could not understand why I was not chosen to join my friends. Then I thought, wow, I must really suck, and that drove my creativity into the ground. Everything came to a grinding halt. I was at my darkest moment. Prior to this I emailed one of my friends and asked her directly: Why? She explained to me, and I took little comfort. I agonized about why no one else called me to explain, then I talked to my friend Will, and I realized that this was not about me or anything to do with my talent or non talent. It was something that came together at the right time for them.
I told my husband about how I was feeling, mourned and complained.... what a good man to listen to me. I explained why it struck me. He understood, and then told me what I already knew, which was this is nothing to do with you. Your friends just had a crazy cool opportunity and it worked out really well.
As time passed, my heart still hurt, but I came to know it was nothing I've done in the past, it just was a beautiful moment in time for my friends. I still wanted to be angry, but that would be wrong and stupid of me to carry that about in my heart.. and it would not be good for me. I was able to let go of all the fear, the anger, and replaced that with love, and happiness for my friends.
Then, I had a few run ins with some Facebook "friends", which caused me to delete and block them from my page - and it really bugged me and caused me to think again it was about me - its not. Its all on them. 2017 was a tough year for me - in many ways - but it also has been very good too. Why is it, that the negative always is tougher to work through?
REFLECTION: Earlier this year, I had a fantastic concert opportunity with Lisa Downing and Liz Story at SOKA University, I went to LA for Grammy week and met Lindsey Wagner, and many other wonderful friends I met for the first time.
In spite of what has occurred, I've been taking marketing classes from Leah McHenry, and her knowledge has/is a breath of fresh air. This Summer of 2017, was a time a wonderful connections back east. Our family flew to Connecticut and rented an RV, and had 2 weeks of bliss. It caused such a stir spiritually and emotionally, that I have 3 albums I am working on. First is a Christmas album, which 2018 will be the year I will be working on it. Second, is an electronic album - which will be dedicated to Ann McCaffrey, third album will be mostly solo piano.
I realize now that I should never have allowed those things to take me down so hard. NOW I am working on uploading songs weekly on Mondays onto YouTube and on Facebook. I am also going to do live videos on Thursdays of my rehearsal times.
Stay tuned for 2018 - because exciting things are coming!
Love you all...